By Rabbi Yossy Goldman, JNS
We are allowed to tell untruths in certain sensitive circumstances.
So there’s yet another “peace deal” on the table between Israel and Hamas. I can’t say I have any sense of optimism whatsoever, U.S. President Donald Trump’s latest comments notwithstanding.
The horrific terror attack in Jerusalem on the morning of Sept. 8 only reminds us again that there are no genuine peace partners in the region. The mass murderers are, tragically, all too representative of the thinking of many of our Arab neighbors.
But the Jewish New Year is upon us, and in our traditional blessings and good wishes to our friends and family, we usually include a blessing for peace. “Health and happiness, peace and prosperity” are staples in what we usually wish each other at this time.
So supreme is the value of peace in Jewish tradition that, according to halachah, Jewish law, we are even permitted to tell a “white lie” for the sake of keeping the peace. How interesting that the very same Torah that teaches M’dvar sheker tirchak, “Distance yourself from words of falsehood” (Exodus 23:7), also allows us to tell untruths in certain sensitive circumstances.
To praise a bride as beautiful, even if it is somewhat of an exaggeration, is perfectly fine. So is downplaying the hospitality and graciousness of your host to avoid him being bombarded by would-be guests. And if, God forbid, a family member has been diagnosed with an incurable illness, sharing the devastating news with them may not be prudent; that is permissible as well.
To put it in very practical parlance, if your wife asks you, “Do I look fat in this dress?” not only are you allowed to lie, you may well be obligated to lie (as your very life may be in danger if you tell the whole truth).
Such is the imperative to keep the peace.
According to our teachings, not only must we behave peacefully, but we are enjoined to actively pursue peace. “Turn away from evil, seek peace and pursue it,” says Psalm 34. And in Pirkei Avot, “The Ethics of the Fathers,” Hillel said: “Be of the disciples of Aaron. Love peace and pursue peace, love all creatures and draw them close to Torah.”
Moses’ brother, Aaron, was famous for being a great peacemaker between people who had fallen out of favor with one another.
Global peace and regional peace, however, don’t begin in a vacuum. Peace on Earth begins with shalom bayit, “peace in the home.” And peace in the home begins with inner peace. If we aren’t at peace with ourselves, how can we possibly be at peace with others?
The story is told of a holy rabbi who, as a young man, had great dreams and aspirations of changing the world for the better. As he got older, though, he realized the world was a very big place. So he set his eyes on changing his own country. As he aged, he came to understand that the country, too, was vast, and he was compelled to recalculate, setting his sights on changing his city.
And so it went, from the city to his neighborhood, to his street, and then to his family. Eventually, as a wise old rabbi, he finally appreciated that the only thing he could really change was himself. And that was a lifetime of work.
Changing ourselves will help us achieve peace in the home. “Charity begins at home,” and so does peace. It means to speak more softly to your spouse and children. From there, we can move on to placate a wounded friend. Perhaps, later, we may even find the humility to offer a genuine apology to someone we may have hurt by our insensitivity.
Of course, Yom Kippur is the time when we are enjoined to make amends and extend the hand of peace to anyone with whom we may not be on good terms. But the sages repeatedly reminded us that we needn’t wait for Yom Kippur. We should actually strive to put things right before Rosh Hashanah. Why go into the New Year and the Days of Judgment without putting things right first?
Someone once asked me if he should reach out to a fellow he’d argued with, even though he insisted that the other man was completely in the wrong. I said to him, “If the other guy called you first to put things right between you, would you be happy, or would you regret not being the one to have made the call?
He made the call.
I hope and pray that we will all take our own small steps in making peace between us. Please God, our combined efforts will help herald the arrival of the great messenger of peace, our righteous Moshiach, very soon. And that will definitely bring us peace in Israel and the world over.
